Fighting the Black Dog

Don’t know what’s up with me. For the last couple of weeks have been fighting the urge not to get up in the mornings, I have just been really down. The black dog of depression is again sitting on my shoulder and yapping into my ear. (and no, I am NOT pre-menstrual…)

For the last couple of days however, I’ve literally been fighting the urge to burst into tears. there are the obvious reasons…the wonderful variety of activities in Morecambe (currently none), my propsects of getting another job to replace the one I hate (none and falling), the chance of ever getting enough time at home to see M______ (none and falling, the prospect of getting enough time at home to even unpack some of the boxes still unpacked from last year and make a go of getting it to look like a house and not a junk depository (nil, none, and falling).

I spend 75% of time in my hateful job, not enough time at home to even get the bare minimum done, and never go out any more (as there is nowhere to go much, and Mr A not into new stuff really. )ife has just become all of a sudden very grey and dreary.

Add to that guilt, the novel isn’t progressing because after spending 8 hours or so on a PC daily, and a couple of hours travelling, when I get in my eyes are so tired, that doing more of the same is giving me either migraines or very sore eyes….

Some of it is where I live…in all ways. The house is in a brilliant place, but is falling to bits, and unless we can move some of the stuff, hard to repair, and there are major jobs for which we don’t have the money. Some is just Lancaster and Morecambe…nowhere much to go and hardly any jobs- where qualifications appear to be a disadvantage.

I’m just finding it really hard to fight all of this at the moment. I’m just really sick of fighting for everything in life. Why have I never (well, for more than 5 minutes), had a job that uses my qualifications and experience and paid me accordingly, so I could cut back on the hours a little without starving? God forbid, even one that I might enjoy? Why have I never had a house where everything works when it is supposed to, and can be made to look like a home? Why does nothing EVER EVER work out? If I have any kind of happiness in one area, everything else automatically falls to bits.

Yep, I am just thoroughly and utterly depressed. Sometimes I can just put up ith so much, but after constant shit getting thrown at you, the resolve begins to waver. Just want to burst into tears at the moment. But I am at work…..so I’ll bottle it all up…as usual.

 

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11 Responses to “Fighting the Black Dog”

  1. Maybe just maybe darling you are underselling yourself – I’ve a suspicion that you are going for jobs that you are far too over qualified for – How about setting yourself a challenge

    http://www.personnel.lancs.ac.uk/vacancydets.aspx?jobid=A862

    As for the house – Well I’m sure that between us we could give you a hand with things like decorating – I’m fairly sure we could even manage to sort out the electrics – I’ve a hubby that knows how to do most of the stuff that needs doing – it would just need you to get someone in who can certify it afterwards – A much much cheaper option especially as said hubby is wanting to retrain as an electrician and needs to gather his portfolio of work together to get his certificate.

    M___ will be fine – she knows you love her more than anything in the world and she doesn’t have to be entertained every hour of the day despite what your mother thinks you should do – you spend lots of time with her – stop feeling soo guilty (and yes I know thats easier said than done)

  2. chaotickitty Says:

    *hugs*

    I know the feeling all too well, and I know its hard but just keep fighting. In the end its going to be worth it though it may not seem that way now. Get Dam to give you a kick up the ass, it works wonders.

    I am sure M is just fine with the amount of time you spend together and understands about you working.

    And like AD said, just say the word and we will be round in a flash and will make you house a palace. You just might end up with a few mythical creatures painted on the wall if I get carried away!

  3. Just in a grump…weather not helping! Will do the house, just have to get motivated! And you know Mr A never asks for help!

  4. chaotickitty Says:

    So you do it then!!! Make him know he doesn’t have any choice 🙂

  5. I know…need to raid the paint shop and find where the heck I’ve put the paint I’ve already got as well! I need a bit of sunshine for motivation I think!

  6. I’m up for a painting party if it’s a Moot weekend, trying to not spend more than one weekend a month away from family :o( …. sod it, I’ll bring child along with me, I know there are no shortage of tall people but he’s handily tall too :o)

  7. When have you EVER bottled up your emotional responses? Sure, you play your cards close to your chest, you don’t actually DISCLOSE necessarily by any means, but you don’t bottle up. You may put on hold in certain situations, like work, but you wear your feelings like a rosette for winning Prize Cucumber at the local fete. Come on!

    Honey, you are growing older and with it, going in the right direction in becoming more stable with less intense drama in your life. The Morecambe comment clinched it for me – you miss a certain action, it’s been a buzz even when distressing you as it often has.

    As for Mr A, whip him. And not in a good way. He needs to get his finger out of his fat ass, sit up and take notice of where you’re at and what you need. So in complete agreement with what was said by Kitty. Also AD is right – I don’t know why but you have long undersold yourself purposefully if not consciously. You can always give reasons why you’d be doomed to failure – past experience is a good one, oh yes – but there is never any excuse not to keep trying to get ahead in life.

    So go! Do! What are you waiting for? You have compassion, but not indulgence, from your friends. What you won’t get is agreement when being down about your life sucking, the world ending, etc etc. Your life does not suck, you are a fabulous diva, you CAN get the job and everything you want. Go! Now! 🙂

    Love ya! xxxx

  8. I should add I use the term ‘fat ass’ because, well, it sounds great when having a go. I’m not suggesting he has a fat ass per se. Try it when you get home tonight… ‘Get off yer fat ass and [insert action required]’. Works great! >;-) x

  9. OK will go and kick Mr A. sort the house, and find some super high-powered diva jobs to apply for (in Lancaster?) Have sent off for application form for job AD suggested and am looking on St Martin’s and Uni vacancies…….

    Yes, I do like drama, but would just settle for a little activity at the moment!

  10. And I do so like saying…….”We’re doooooooooomed!”

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