Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition…..Unless They Visit My Mother.

Unless they go to visit my mother that is. In the guise of a nice grey-haired little old lady, whilst sipping tea from china cups in her pastel chintz-covered living room, any unfortunate visitor is subjected to a barrage of questions that the Gestapo would be hard pressed to come up with. I’m surprised she doesn’t ask for blood samples and mitochondrial DNA when she is making you take your shoes off at the front door.

You can double this if she suspects the person perching uncomfortably on the edge of the sofa, in eternal fear of dropping a biscuit crumb onto the cream carpet, might actually either a) be sleeping with me or b) be considering maybe sleeping with me.

That’s where my father enters. If you are female, gay, or undecided he leaves well alone. As soon as he suspects someone may be ‘courting’ me or attempting to, you have him to deal with too. He will either love you or hate you, it’s totally random and he will never, ever, change his mind once made up. All males (unless definitively established as gay with documentary proof), are therefore potential suitors. First he will wrong-foot them by calling them by the name of a boyfriend from at least 5 years ago. Then he will examine how well they shine their shoes. After that, their ‘real man’ quotient. They don’t stand a chance. They are too thin. Too tall. Too small. Too quiet. If Johnny Depp turned up at my door, he would be too strange looking, too American, and definitely too rich. No one ever measures up. There are also arcane qualities he admires, like never having been in a long=term relationship and not having children…I did point out that if you get to 39 without any of that, then you probably wear anoraks and live with your mum, but to no avail……

My brother could go out with a 6 foot 4 transexual Nigerian belly dancer, and they wouldn’t bat an eyelid. The rules are somewhat different for me…and I’m 40 in 2 months. This is ridiculous.

Poor Mr A. No-one expects the Spanish Inquisition. But he’s going to get one…..tomorrow.


7 Responses to “Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition…..Unless They Visit My Mother.”

  1. trashcandan Says:

    Best of luck to you both tomorrow!!! I think Mr A. should grind a biscuit into the carpet just to see what happens. I mean if he is already screwed, why not?

  2. Oh dear, that sounds scary! How did it work out?

  3. Oh hon – did you both survive to tell the tail?


  4. chaotickitty Says:

    Hmmm, my dad and your dad might just get along.

    Hope it went well.

  5. It did! they liked him shock horror! Will do the full report tomorrow….am writing the dreaded novel.

  6. Yeah that your Dad likes Mr A :oD

    I’m looking forward to the full report but well done for getting on with your book instead … that soooooo has to come first!

  7. Glad it went well šŸ™‚

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: