Breaking the Silence

I think Silent’s reply to my posts and comments deserves a post of its own. I hope Silent doesn’t mind if in effect I quote him, taking this section by section.

1. OK, I’m late, I’m always late but sometimes I’m not very silent.

Neither would I want you to be, I hope that people feel that they can comment freely here……

In the beginning there was a group of friends who behaved like friends should do and where axes were secreted away from eyes that may pry. There were many friends including HWCBN and more were being added all the time from quarters known and unknown. I was one, Naillig was another, still no axes.

I for one really enjoyed being taken in and included by this group of friends who made us more than welcome, and who I felt like I’d known for ages. I liked every member of the group both as couples and individuals.

Perhaps I had been a little naive to what was about to unfold, the story of which as been aptly described above, particually from Khlari, who is still a friend.

I think we were all a little naive as to what was about to unfold. I didn’t know what would happen within mine and HWCBN’s relationship, although I did have some clues emerging about his extreme behaviour swings. I had no idea that this would hurt or involve anyone but myself. The last thing I would have wished was for other people to get enmeshed in what was essentially my emotional turmoil.

HWCBN was considered a friend until quite recently, but my axe with this man is still private until a time when action will be needed

Obviously, I did care for HWCBN, or I would never have embarked on a relationship with him. When we started the relationship he had a good side, but his behaviour became more and more obsessive and extreme as time went on. I made excuses for it, but eventually, the bad side far outshadowed the good side…… I also had no idea of the extent to which he and Naillig had become close, or I would have talked about this to Silent a lot sooner.

We have heard, quite extensively about the hardships suffered by Khlari which I understand quite well. But let us remember there is two sides to every story and while it has been written that HWCBN lost very little and Khlari lost plenty, I beg to differ. Oh I can imagine the onslaught I’ll get for this, but I will have my say as the silent party.

The main problem with my losses Silent, is that I have not a hope in hell of replacing them for years on end. They are also repetitions of things from the past which it has already taken me years to get over emotionally and financially, and yet again I have to start at zero.

My problem in this is not understanding how someone who claimed to love me could do such a thing, knowing what had happened, to knowingly and vindictively seek to find the things which hurt the most. I am not saying that he lost nothing. I did not want friends to have to choose or take sides about this, but in choosing this course of action, he also chose his solitary path.

HWCBN lost an entire community, most of his ‘friends’ (if I had friends like that I’d prefer to die thankyou) and almost his entire social life. If it hadn’t been for Naillig I fear he would have hit the wall so f***ing hard, he may have never got up again.

I had tried to make the split as amicable and painless as possible. He chose the path of matyrdom by his selfish and self-inflicted actions. I did not want him to be outside this group, and if he had chosen to behave in a normal fashion, he would not have been. I have hit the wall pretty hard as well, through no choice of my own, through someone else’s self-dramatising vindictive actions. He has alienated himself by this, I have not alienated him. If he had behaved like a normal human being and not a basket case, then he would still have a social life. I am afraid that his actions and subsequent behaviour have erased any love or even pity I may have felt for him.

I have suffered with depression, big time, a fact unknown to many of you. But I didn’t go causing my own nor alienating myself for the purposes of self-pity (an emotion much beloved by HWCBN, woe is me). I have had to drag myself out of the pit of despond, and however much HWCBN is bewailing his fate, believe me I have been fighting hard to stay off the Prozac these last few weeks.

Now I’m not agreeing with what he did was a good thing, far from it but in the end these ‘things’ can be replaced,

This will take me a matter of years, during which time M______ and I will have to go without other things in order to replace them……Many of them are irreplaceable. They were not his to touch in the first place. Do you know, my daughter is seven years of age and has never been on a holiday in her life?

although the emotional damage wreaked on both Khlari and associated children cannot be easily rectified.

The emotional damage that he could so easily have avoided by behaving like a normal adult, as I had suggested. My daughter is the youngest and has had a very traumatic life. She now has even more to deal with.

As for Naillig, she may indeed have walked into a relationship, be it wrong or right, I have little say, with eyes wide open. Having known what and who HWCBN was and the possible implications of such a move, still had the guts to do it. Flying right in the face of the aforementioned group of friends with intentions that were, and I’m sure are, good.

Naillig also has a choice in what is happening to her, I had no choice in what happened to me. I only warned her of possible implications because I cared about her and did not wish for the same thing to happen to her.

In this newly-formed ‘friendship’ there were two people who lost out. Firstly Khlari, secondly me. Why me, I’ll tell you why. I was the other half to Naillig and if there’s an axe to grind than it is me as well as Khlari who has the right to grind it! Everything was fine until HWCBN arrived on the scene, then things began to fall apart, as I thought they probably eventually would.

Silent, I am truly sorry that they did for you. I did not, as I said, know the extent to which Naillig and HWCBN had become close. I did not know that he would come between you. I can only speak for my own principles, it is not a thing that I would have done, but he did.

We all, when it comes down to it, walk alone. Good friends are hard to find in this world, but some of Khlari’s I will aways wonder about. If she did something bad, I doubt it will ever happen but if it did, would the same ‘friends’ stick by her as once they did with HWCBN? Or is that (and here is the get-out clause) a different matter entirely.If I did something that was bad and I believed was bad, I would not expect anyone I knew to put up with it nor stay friends with me. I would deserve it as well. People have reasons for their actions, but I am afraid that for vindictive, petty-minded and spiteful actions, I cannot find a justification. Did these actions do anything but hurt and deprive?

Sometimes people have to do something that is morally grey if not evil to extricate themselves or to escape- sometimes the greater good outweighs the lesser evil. But what did this achieve except pain and more suffering. I could understand a salving even- destroying presents I’d bought him to symblise my exit from his life.

But touching things which he had no right to touch and have nothing to do with him is something else.


At the time, and for reasons I’m still at a loss to explain, even to myself, I liked the guy. That was then.

Ironically so did I. He can be very charming. But I am at a loss to explain the behaviour that came next. Even drunk. That was more than a mentalk aberration. Such a trail of destrction must have taken hours of concerted effort. Not a crime passionel. More a crime psychose et irrationel. Planned with malice aforethought. That’s what’s scary. And apparently an invited audience to enjoy it. I believe that’s commonly known as aiding and abetting.


Much has changed although I am still friends with the aforementioned group, I wonder how long for?

That is quite harsh. Silent, you have not sought oblivion and trouble, nor alienated anyone. They call that anti-social behaviour for a reason. You have done nothing anti-social, and I am sad that you think we are such a fickle group of people to pick choose and play with peoples’ emotions.

Think about it, think about who you are as you read the ending to this woeful episode. Think you are justified?

The only thing that I justify is my own opinion, and a belief in empirical right and wrong. I am not a god, nor a goddess, nor would I ever wish to be nor claim to be. But neither would I mete out the harsh justice which I have received to anybody, ever. It’s just not in my nature. I have experienced enough pain to wish others never to experience the same. And I am talking about real pain, not melodrama.

Thing you are righteous in what you condem one for in favour of another?

I am not condemning without reason. It takes a great deal to upset me, I am a very forgiving person by nature, and you really have to enter into the category of unreasoned malice and cruelty to upset me. You wouldn’t believe what I have forgiven people in the past. When they have had a reason for their actions, and that reason was not simply a wish to cause pain.

What gives you the right?

I simply believe in everyone’s right to live peacefully. Not to have to suffer unneccessarily through others. That’s all. Common decency.

Friendship?

I believe in friendship.

Love?

I also believe in love.

Do you really know what these things are?

I do, but I can also recognise when they are literally ripped from you bleeding. Love and friendship can redeem anything, but they are a two-way process. You have to give in o

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11 Responses to “Breaking the Silence”

  1. Silent, I was saddened to read some, not all by any means, of your comments. Things like, ‘good friends are hard to find in this world, but some of Khlari’s I will aways wonder about’ leads, inevitably, to questions of who you’re talking about.

    I’ve been friends with Khlari for 15 years now and don’t think that kind of friendship is likely to ever come undone very easily, not without a major personality change on either side which, to be that severe, would have to result from some serious trauma I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I don’t think anyone is in a position to either ponder over the permanence of our friendship or make judgements against Khlari’s friends who rush to her aid emotionally, financially and physically when she is in trouble not of her own making but resulting from a vicious, humiliating crime perpetrated against her.

    if you think it’s harsh judgement for friends to step into the breech as we have, and to express forceful opinions on the person who inflicted suffering upon her, then I really don’t know what your definition of friendship is. Friendship for me has never been blind, or deaf, or unthinkingly loyal no matter the circumstance; rather, it is about being prepared to demonstrate your love for a person and make it clear you support them on issues and with regards to persons who have committed wrongful acts against that friend. I will never make any apology for that and would expect nobody who behaves in such rational yet emotionally honest terms where friends are concerned to ever have to apologise for vocal loyalty and support given on those terms.

    You are quite right to point out that you have issues to be addressed where HWCBN is concerned; where you are wrong is in thinking only you have that axe, as you put it, to grind. HWCBN – and I’m sorry but this whole acronym thing is a pile of shit as far as I am concerned, I’ve made it clear to Khlari and she understands and accepts my strong view on her censoring her blog in response to threats – but, HWCBN has upset a lot of people who placed trust in him either to behave rationally, honestly and fairly.

    HWCBN called me a ‘pretentious twat’ in an email to Khlari and I laughed and laughed and laughed at such playground behaviour, but what it signifies is a man for whom any friend of Khlari’s is an enemy, the more so the closer they are to her. And you think it is wrong for her friends to be so supportive and defensive of her, so openly hostile towards him, when he spews out the kind of venom he has done since their split?

    So yeah, pathetic name-calling aside, I have issues with him. They are my issues for sure but squarely relate to what he did to my friend. Again, I don’t know what your definition is – I consider you a friend, and unless you turn into a violent, abusive misogynist with major control issues, then I think it’s a fair bet to say you’ll remain so – which is why I feel I can be so honest right now.! You’ve been decent, friendly and generally easygoing ever since I met you. Both D and I appreciate you personally, and whatever you have to say. And I have never, ever heard a bad word said against you for any reason.

    But to read that you question the kind of friends Khlari has gives me pause certainly for thought: if you think those friends of Khari’s who are also friendly towards you are in some ways lacking in your book, please let us know. We like you, to put it simply. If you don’t like us, or think we’re not good friends to have around, let us know because friendship is illusory and one-sided if such ideas are being harboured – but remember, if someone victimised and maligned you, you’d most likely want and appreciate friends sticking up for you not only with their words but by providing physical, emotional and financial support. I see nothing wrong in that, nothing deserving of a harsh critique.

    I do hope you don’t feel that way. There has been enough division and strife caused by the actions of one individual against another. I ask that you step back from any suggestion that friends expressing vocal support of Khlari and equally vocal condemnation of HWCBN for his criminal behaviour, are in some way at fault. We are not at fault. The only people who are at fault here are… Well, you know. There are two of them, but primarly it is HWCBN who is to blame for the ruckus which has followed his destructive, decidedly psychopathic behaviour.

    As it so happens, I’ve been as frank as ever with my friend Khlari in suggesting she no longer discuss HWCBN on this blog in new entries; I think she is better served getting the attention of the press and pursuing her complaint with the Police. As her friend ,it’s one thing to be frank with that advice and quite another to impose it, which I would not and cannot do. Equally, if she chooses to do otherwise ,she still has my love and support – we can rarely judge or expect others to do as they are told, and any advice given must be on the basis of recognising it may or may not be acted upon. I just feel I want to see my friend back blogging about life, the universe and everything because she, unlike HWCBN, has had a very interesting life, continues to do so, and has great ways of expressing her opinions in writing on a range of subjects.

    I do hope to see Khlari win her battles and also that we might not reference HWCBN here again, not least in part because it will annoy him immensely if he is no longer able to read reactions and opinions on him here. I also hope, and have done so for some time now, that you are able to feel you get justice for the wrongs committed against you. I know most everyone who attends the Moot, certainly all I have ever spoken to, wants to see justice, not revenge.

    Much love and blessings to you in the hope that you are going to reevaluate what you said in light of the above,

    Andy x

  2. Re-reading both Khlari’s and Silent’s entries as above again today, I am drawn to the line:

    But let us remember there is two sides to every story and while it has been written that HWCBN lost very little and Khlari lost plenty, I beg to differ. Oh I can imagine the onslaught I’ll get for this, but I will have my say as the silent party.

    If you can imagine the onslaught, it’s probably because your statement doesn’t stand up to scrutiny while coupled with a definitely unprovoked attack on Khlari’s friends who have posted here, namely myself and Jo. I don’t know why but you’ve managed, Silent, to offend both myself and D. I can’t speak for Jo, wouldn’t want to and I don’t know if she’s read these at times quite vicious accusations for which the get-out clause is provided that you’re not being specific in directing them against individuals. Yet how many individuals are covered by what you accuse them of?

    Yes, there are two sides to every story. However, put simply – again – Khlari had her possessions destroyed and a campaign against her undertaken which is ongoing and has to date involved not only hacked personal Internet accounts with vile slander written on them to replace her own words; the police being called for no reason on her birthday to do his job of harassing her, which backfired completely; and, to date, a number of text messages and a highly abusive email. Anything he has lost has been his own fault. Are you suggesting Khlari is at fault for deciding to end the relationship? Are you suggesting that she deserves what happened to her, or that he was justified in what he did? I doubt it but your argument has no logic to it. Yes, he’s lost a community of people – well, he did that to himself. Khlari didn’t go through her stuff and destroy it. Many of her friends saw the devastation, inflicted with malign purpose. Did you? No.

    Perhaps if there was some evidence of compassion in your missive, you might have been able to recognise the compassion towards Khlari which has governed everything people have had to say or write in her defence and in support of her. I have no compassion for him. None. You may and do criticise but I have no time to give to the perpetrators of crime; I prefer to give compassion and love and support to the victims of crime, whatever that crime might be and whoever the victim is.

    Had Khlari behaved as outrageously as he, I would have been as quick to support him and end a friendship. She has not and your swipe at her and her friends is very, very hard to understand. It will no doubt put a smile on the face of the man who has caused the upset, and no doubt the woman who now supports him as a lone crusader for the wrong cause. I am absolutely certain that is not what you wanted.

    While you have undoubtedly suffered, that is no reason to attack Khlari’s friends without any provocation and both D and I would appreciate a retraction of your condemning words. We mean that because we have no regrets, continue to support Khlari and openly condemn – along with a very large group of people – the actions of the man who continues to show himself to be a reprehensible worm.

    In sincere hope of seeing a retraction and reassessment on your part as we value your friendship. Perhaps, in writing what you did, you were not aware of that. Well, we do – and so your words cut not from any sense of truth in them – there is none I can see – but from the ideas and motivations which seem to lay behind them.

    Now I most sincerely also hope to see Khlari return to posting on other subjects while she pursues this man offline through the appropriate channels, both media and legal.

    Andy x

  3. I did infact read Silent’s comments over the weekend and to be honest I was absolutely livid – infact had I seen him on Friday night he would have received the full brunt of my wrath – I felt that he had completely misunderstood the situation and in turn had a go at people for showing friendship and support.

    I did write rather a long missive in answer to his comments but unfortunately on publish coComment decided to have a blip and ate my post – I just didn’t have the heart to type it out again

    Instead – on seeing Silent on Saturday I had a discussion with him face to face and it is clear from our conversation that he was trying to put over another point of view BUT he was missing an awful lot of the back story of this whole sorry event – on both sides

    On the friends thing – I made it clear to him that had HWCBN behaved appropriately things could and would have been different.

    I acknowledged that everyone can behave extremely badly – myself included – BUT its how you behave after the red mist has faded that is important

    I’ve been in this situation before – The ‘net doesn’t lend itself well to expression and sometimes the way we think a posting will be read (which is how it sounds in our head) is completely different to the way other people interpret it – Last time it got completely out of hand and ended up with a whole community being divided and I lost good friends on both sides – I’m not prepared to let that happen again

  4. Well said. I hope Silent steps back from what he wrote. Neither D nor I want to end our friendship with him over what he has said, because we think he either wasn’t in full possession of the facts when he made those sweepingly harsh judgements or wasn’t aware of how much his comments would inflame. All we want is for him to say he’s sorry and no more will be said about it. Contrary to what Silent might think from what he wrote, we don’t hold grudges – grudges are boring and energy-sapping – unless, as with you know who, a person continues after a transgression to not only show no remorse but to build on what s/he did to first cause upset. x

  5. OK, on reflection I may have been a little hasty in some of my assumptions, lack of facts may have attributed to this. I certainly did not want to cause any undue resentment with anybody, unfortunately the reverse appears to have occured. I did not mean to question friendships Perhaps I should remain as my name suggests and I’ll just leave it there, until a time suggests itself to make ammends with the situations.

  6. Further to the post above, hitting the wrong button at the time of writing caused to be shorter than initially intended, I’d like to add one further point (ducks fast).

    Point being is a direct apology for remarks which I inadvertently made (inadvertently? Not in full possession of the facts, not accepting the feelings to all those concerned) to, Khlari, Andy and Jo.

  7. There was no resentment, Silent – shock, yes, and upset because we consider you and have considered you since first meeting, a good friend and you certainly came across to us, me and D, right from the start as being at the core of a very decent community of people at the Moot. So you do most certainly have friends, and I’d like to think good ones who are there for you and able to accept apologies when so obviously genuine and sincerely given.

    So thank you. I think it’s time we all moved forward and let those others who have caused hurt and anguish reap as they sow, which they surely will without any need for intervention on the part of any of us. Khlari has promised she’s going to be posting more stories and poems to her blog soon. I’m looking forward to reading them! x

  8. By the way, Silent I went to visit your fledgling blog and was gonna leave a welcome comment but you have to login and I couldn’t find a link to register for access?

    If you need any advice on WordPress, drop me a line. My site has been running on WordPress since January on my own server space, so I will do my best to help if there’s anything you want help with. x

  9. I’m going to echo what Andy has said, in a way, and say that it is time to move on….. That said, this sis a forum for discussion, but I am glad that everybody has smoothed things out….

    Now, onward and upward!

  10. I read your story today, Khlari. Hope you don’t mind, I know you passed it to D. It’s very good! Excellent perspective. Was wondering if you’d like to be the test reader of my novel once it’s underway? Read my latest post to see what my current thinking is on how to get a novel finished… x

  11. Thought you probably would- it was really intended for both of you…that’s just a draft, not REALLY finished yet, just fining down the details…….will post you a finished copy. Would love to read your novel, I’ll read yours if you read mine!

    Will pop over there and have a look!

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