Archive for August, 2006

The supreme effort

Posted in creative / writing, me and my world, morecambe on August 30, 2006 by Khlari

It’s that time of year again……essays. I am knackered, weeks of writing, nitpicking said writing and coming up with theoretical ridiculousness to justify existence of said writing…… hand it in tomorrow, then off to London for the weekend to reclaim my small monster.

Who will at least, I hope, be impressed with the supremely pink bedroom Mr A and I have magicked up for her while she is away. It’s a big surprise, and I hope she likes it. I have missed her a lot. From someone who never got a break from motherhood in any way, the last six weeks have been positively surreal…I thought it would be some kind of blessed release, but to be honest, it has just felt very peculiar. I am so unused to it, I keep listening out for her, and looking behind me as I walk down the street.

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Breaking the Silence

Posted in creative / writing, gothic, me and my world, morecambe, pagan on August 18, 2006 by Khlari

I think Silent’s reply to my posts and comments deserves a post of its own. I hope Silent doesn’t mind if in effect I quote him, taking this section by section.

1. OK, I’m late, I’m always late but sometimes I’m not very silent.

Neither would I want you to be, I hope that people feel that they can comment freely here……

In the beginning there was a group of friends who behaved like friends should do and where axes were secreted away from eyes that may pry. There were many friends including HWCBN and more were being added all the time from quarters known and unknown. I was one, Naillig was another, still no axes.

I for one really enjoyed being taken in and included by this group of friends who made us more than welcome, and who I felt like I’d known for ages. I liked every member of the group both as couples and individuals.

Perhaps I had been a little naive to what was about to unfold, the story of which as been aptly described above, particually from Khlari, who is still a friend.

I think we were all a little naive as to what was about to unfold. I didn’t know what would happen within mine and HWCBN’s relationship, although I did have some clues emerging about his extreme behaviour swings. I had no idea that this would hurt or involve anyone but myself. The last thing I would have wished was for other people to get enmeshed in what was essentially my emotional turmoil.

HWCBN was considered a friend until quite recently, but my axe with this man is still private until a time when action will be needed

Obviously, I did care for HWCBN, or I would never have embarked on a relationship with him. When we started the relationship he had a good side, but his behaviour became more and more obsessive and extreme as time went on. I made excuses for it, but eventually, the bad side far outshadowed the good side…… I also had no idea of the extent to which he and Naillig had become close, or I would have talked about this to Silent a lot sooner.

We have heard, quite extensively about the hardships suffered by Khlari which I understand quite well. But let us remember there is two sides to every story and while it has been written that HWCBN lost very little and Khlari lost plenty, I beg to differ. Oh I can imagine the onslaught I’ll get for this, but I will have my say as the silent party.

The main problem with my losses Silent, is that I have not a hope in hell of replacing them for years on end. They are also repetitions of things from the past which it has already taken me years to get over emotionally and financially, and yet again I have to start at zero.

My problem in this is not understanding how someone who claimed to love me could do such a thing, knowing what had happened, to knowingly and vindictively seek to find the things which hurt the most. I am not saying that he lost nothing. I did not want friends to have to choose or take sides about this, but in choosing this course of action, he also chose his solitary path.

HWCBN lost an entire community, most of his ‘friends’ (if I had friends like that I’d prefer to die thankyou) and almost his entire social life. If it hadn’t been for Naillig I fear he would have hit the wall so f***ing hard, he may have never got up again.

I had tried to make the split as amicable and painless as possible. He chose the path of matyrdom by his selfish and self-inflicted actions. I did not want him to be outside this group, and if he had chosen to behave in a normal fashion, he would not have been. I have hit the wall pretty hard as well, through no choice of my own, through someone else’s self-dramatising vindictive actions. He has alienated himself by this, I have not alienated him. If he had behaved like a normal human being and not a basket case, then he would still have a social life. I am afraid that his actions and subsequent behaviour have erased any love or even pity I may have felt for him.

I have suffered with depression, big time, a fact unknown to many of you. But I didn’t go causing my own nor alienating myself for the purposes of self-pity (an emotion much beloved by HWCBN, woe is me). I have had to drag myself out of the pit of despond, and however much HWCBN is bewailing his fate, believe me I have been fighting hard to stay off the Prozac these last few weeks.

Now I’m not agreeing with what he did was a good thing, far from it but in the end these ‘things’ can be replaced,

This will take me a matter of years, during which time M______ and I will have to go without other things in order to replace them……Many of them are irreplaceable. They were not his to touch in the first place. Do you know, my daughter is seven years of age and has never been on a holiday in her life?

although the emotional damage wreaked on both Khlari and associated children cannot be easily rectified.

The emotional damage that he could so easily have avoided by behaving like a normal adult, as I had suggested. My daughter is the youngest and has had a very traumatic life. She now has even more to deal with.

As for Naillig, she may indeed have walked into a relationship, be it wrong or right, I have little say, with eyes wide open. Having known what and who HWCBN was and the possible implications of such a move, still had the guts to do it. Flying right in the face of the aforementioned group of friends with intentions that were, and I’m sure are, good.

Naillig also has a choice in what is happening to her, I had no choice in what happened to me. I only warned her of possible implications because I cared about her and did not wish for the same thing to happen to her.

In this newly-formed ‘friendship’ there were two people who lost out. Firstly Khlari, secondly me. Why me, I’ll tell you why. I was the other half to Naillig and if there’s an axe to grind than it is me as well as Khlari who has the right to grind it! Everything was fine until HWCBN arrived on the scene, then things began to fall apart, as I thought they probably eventually would.

Silent, I am truly sorry that they did for you. I did not, as I said, know the extent to which Naillig and HWCBN had become close. I did not know that he would come between you. I can only speak for my own principles, it is not a thing that I would have done, but he did.

We all, when it comes down to it, walk alone. Good friends are hard to find in this world, but some of Khlari’s I will aways wonder about. If she did something bad, I doubt it will ever happen but if it did, would the same ‘friends’ stick by her as once they did with HWCBN? Or is that (and here is the get-out clause) a different matter entirely.If I did something that was bad and I believed was bad, I would not expect anyone I knew to put up with it nor stay friends with me. I would deserve it as well. People have reasons for their actions, but I am afraid that for vindictive, petty-minded and spiteful actions, I cannot find a justification. Did these actions do anything but hurt and deprive?

Sometimes people have to do something that is morally grey if not evil to extricate themselves or to escape- sometimes the greater good outweighs the lesser evil. But what did this achieve except pain and more suffering. I could understand a salving even- destroying presents I’d bought him to symblise my exit from his life.

But touching things which he had no right to touch and have nothing to do with him is something else.


At the time, and for reasons I’m still at a loss to explain, even to myself, I liked the guy. That was then.

Ironically so did I. He can be very charming. But I am at a loss to explain the behaviour that came next. Even drunk. That was more than a mentalk aberration. Such a trail of destrction must have taken hours of concerted effort. Not a crime passionel. More a crime psychose et irrationel. Planned with malice aforethought. That’s what’s scary. And apparently an invited audience to enjoy it. I believe that’s commonly known as aiding and abetting.


Much has changed although I am still friends with the aforementioned group, I wonder how long for?

That is quite harsh. Silent, you have not sought oblivion and trouble, nor alienated anyone. They call that anti-social behaviour for a reason. You have done nothing anti-social, and I am sad that you think we are such a fickle group of people to pick choose and play with peoples’ emotions.

Think about it, think about who you are as you read the ending to this woeful episode. Think you are justified?

The only thing that I justify is my own opinion, and a belief in empirical right and wrong. I am not a god, nor a goddess, nor would I ever wish to be nor claim to be. But neither would I mete out the harsh justice which I have received to anybody, ever. It’s just not in my nature. I have experienced enough pain to wish others never to experience the same. And I am talking about real pain, not melodrama.

Thing you are righteous in what you condem one for in favour of another?

I am not condemning without reason. It takes a great deal to upset me, I am a very forgiving person by nature, and you really have to enter into the category of unreasoned malice and cruelty to upset me. You wouldn’t believe what I have forgiven people in the past. When they have had a reason for their actions, and that reason was not simply a wish to cause pain.

What gives you the right?

I simply believe in everyone’s right to live peacefully. Not to have to suffer unneccessarily through others. That’s all. Common decency.

Friendship?

I believe in friendship.

Love?

I also believe in love.

Do you really know what these things are?

I do, but I can also recognise when they are literally ripped from you bleeding. Love and friendship can redeem anything, but they are a two-way process. You have to give in o

Another week another…load of hassle…….

Posted in creative / writing, gothic, me and my world, morecambe, pagan on August 15, 2006 by Khlari

I finally closed the door on last week, hoping that I could leave it there where it belonged….

I spent a fantastic weekend, including the Brigantii Moot on Saturday at the Morecambe, where much fun and jolliness was had by all, finally crawling home to my bed at 2am on Sunday, and then only because Mr A had to work the next day, or I think we’d still be there now……as would Willow, Norm, Silent, Mr SpicyCauldron and D if Dam and Woo had not sent them home to the land of noddy blinkums eventually!

And then I come back to more grief this morning. I just feel tired of it all, like I am the permanent whipping-boy, the general purpose scapegoat. I just feel like not coming in, staying in bed with the duvet over my head. All I want to do is get on with my job, is that too much to ask?

This isn’t helped by receiving an abusive email from HWCBN over the weekend. A spiteful, vindictive, childish, unsolicited email taking pleasure in another person’s problems. Mine.

Crowing, casting ufounded aspersions about my private life. Claiming that I was only with him for his money on one hand, then laughing at mine and my daughter’s poverty on the other. If that was the case, and I was only there for the money, would I not still cynically be there, whatever had happened?

Or is this just the email rant of a sore loser?

Goodbye to all this…..and hello to oblivion!

Posted in creative / writing, gothic, me and my world, morecambe, pagan on August 11, 2006 by Khlari

Well, I hope so, otherwise the weekend will be no good at all!

It’s Friday, it’s ten to five….and it’s nearly hometime. I have very rarely been so glad to finish a week. I am just looking forward to my weekend, time I can spend in the manner I choose, doing what I want to, with people that I care about and enjoy spending time with. It just seems a little skewed that in order to have two days of liberty, you have to pass five days of sufferance…..just doesn’t seem quite fair!

Laisse les bon temps rouler samedi…or let the good times roll on Saturday

Posted in creative / writing, gothic, me and my world, morecambe, pagan on August 10, 2006 by Khlari

After this week’s glorious happenings, can’t wait for Saturday. It’s the Brigantii Moot on Saturday, so can catch up with lots of good friends there, unfortunately AmethystDragon and family won’t be there as they have a christening to go to, but D and Mr SpicyCauldron are coming over from sunny Hebden Bridge for the weekend, which I’m looking forward to as I haven’t seen them for weeks. Almost the whole Goth-Gay-Pagan Mafia reunited! It’s good to be among friends…..

Thank the goddess it’s Thursday, though Friday would be better…..

Posted in creative / writing, me and my world, morecambe on August 10, 2006 by Khlari

Yes, here we are at the tail end of the week….. and what a week it’s been, have just felt like not bothering to go to work, it has been that good…….

I have two jobs making one post, totally unrelated to each other in terms of content, one in Child Care, one in Elderly Intermediate Care…..

Problem being that I am expected to do the work of a full-timer in both posts, and there are just not enough hours in the day to make this possible- I also only get paid the same as if it was one single post, despite all the inconveniences of this……. It’s making me ill. I can’t concentrate on or develop either post properly, I feel like I can’t do either part of the job properly, and that is all I wish to do in the long run. You are also not allowed to be ill in this job- there are limits for this!

Yesterday I was bawled out in person and by email for work that I simply couldn’t do because I wasn’t there….. Yes, it was late, but it was physically impossible to achieve. There are so many bosses that someone is always telling me to do something else more urgently…result, nothing gets done. If I work extra time, there are never enough staff for me to claim the flexi-time back……

There is also the culture that when you ask for help, you are storing up trouble for yourself, this is seen as you being ‘weak’,’incapable’ and ‘inadequate’. Despite explaining myself yesterday I received a fresh tirade of email abuse, the best part of this was being accused of being rude and illiterate by someone who was too ignorant to even put my name at the beginning of the email.

There are many things that I might be, but illiterate is not one of them…..

And who do I work for? ‘The Extremely Mean Corporation’? Megabucks Corp? Some faceless international conglomorate that works its employees to the ground? No- caring, sharing, Social Services. Says it all really…..

Tagged tagged tagged

Posted in creative / writing, gothic, me and my world, morecambe, pagan on August 6, 2006 by Khlari

Well, Mr Spicy Cauldron got me again……

1. If you were the reincarnation of somebody famous from history (obviously, they have to be dead), then which person would you be?

Ooh, choices, choices……..Sylvia Plath??? Then again, I think Frida Kahlo had more fun, but then I quite fancy being Boudicca really…….

2. If you could cast one spell and see it work just like they always do for the Charmed sisters, what spell would it be?

Just a love spell….to love and be loved in return…..that’s all

3. If you went skyclad, what would people say if they saw you?

They would run as fast as their legs would carry them, screaming, and possibly puking.

4. Is there anything you wouldn’t do if the goddess asked you to?

Lie

5. Have you ever channelled a spirit?

Not intentionally, I think the spirit channelled me more than I channelled it…..not in a bad way…..