and a very happy birthday to—-oops, he-who-cannot-be-named

Yep, today’s the 11th July, which by my calculations makes it the 39th birthday of he-who-cannot-be-named.

What a celebration it must be chez HWCBN……as in the last month or so he has managed to completely alienate himself and inspire feelings of near hatred in some of the people around him, what a joyous celebration it must be.

I forgot though, bah humbug that HWCBN doesn’t like birthdays…. I wonder if her remembers last year’s, on which in an attempt to make it for once a birthday he wouldn’t forget, organised a surprise birthday cake and set the living room rug and my own handbag on fire…… Mind you, I’m sure that he’ll have a birthday that he won’t forget this year as well. Alone.

Whereas on my birthday two weeks ago I was surrounded by fun and loving friends, having a silly birthday party which was even improved by the arrival of the police (and accompanied by mass giggles), due to his actions, what could have been a nice and civilised birthday for HWCNBN, with friends, family and fun, will now be another occasion to add to his litany of misery, another entry in his never-ending book of woe-is-me- sorrows.

It is never nice to be 39, I can’t say that it would be one of my favourite birthday numbers. But I know who I’d rather be on this day, surrounded by an aura of happiness and love, friendship and kindness, rather than imprisoned in a pit of sorrow of my own making. What goes around comes around, and any bad karma given out comes back in abundance on a day like this.

I’m just sure it’s a day that he is going to wish to forget, hoist by his own petard.


18 Responses to “and a very happy birthday to—-oops, he-who-cannot-be-named”

  1. It’s rare, as you know, for me to say something like this but I hope his birthday is as dry and lifeless as the surface of the moon for what he did to you and yours. Hey, ya never know – he may have chavved up now as a means of escaping persecution on the streets! Next time you see him – hope you never will – there he will be: striped trackie bottoms, Gap tee-shirt, hoodie and cropped hair! If he ever wants to drink in public again around Lancaster and Morecambe, not much choice, has he? x

  2. All the way through this, despite what you might call more than extreme provocation, I haven’t put any vitriolic comments on here…….can’t see a birthday alone as being too much fun, birthdays are for sharing with those who love and care for you and you for them…..

    No current sightings of HWCBN- though it might just be possible that I have, but didn’t notice beyond the bling and Von Dutch T shirt……..or maybe we don’t hang out in the same places any more. Luckily.

  3. Yes, you can certainly hold your head up high; and you’ve not played the martyr either, even though you’d be forgiven for doing so as you’d have good reason. It’s been quite inspirational seeing how you’ve picked up, dusted down and gone on to better things in real and emotional terms.

    I do hope A is recovering from his stomach bug. Jo, Martin and the kids are staying over tomorrow night here in CV. It’s going to be lovely to see them on our home turf and the kids should love exploring the woods (apparently Martin will too!). x

  4. Yep, Mr A is on the road to recovery, but I now have the dreaded lurgy……we would have come but as Mr A has the afternoon off (going to look at possible new school for M_______), he has to work tomorrow now…….I’m sure you’ll all have a lovely time, make sure you take AD around the Hebden shops….all the nice pagan-y type stuff…….and give my love to the Arts Festival (I worked on the first one….)

    I’m looking ahead and so much happier, because the future seems so much more rosy than before. I’m not one to sit around moping in corners, the past is a different country, and what is over is over……don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that the near future is going to be easy at all, what with parents etc, but the difference is that I feel it’s worth it……

    Onwards and upwards!

  5. HI eveyone, am trying really hard not to fall out with anyone, but just wanted to point out that he who cant be named had a fucking good birthday, not alone by the way, he spent it with me! why is it that you can move on but he isn’t aloud too! I always thought pagans were a forgiving group of people, and that life is too short? STRANGE HOW THINGS CHANGE ISN’T IT?
    I know that people thing I’ve lost the plot by seeing him, but i KNOW HOW I FEEL, AND THINK IT IS TIME THAT EVERY ONE MOVE ON AND LET IT GO!

  6. I’m glad to hear he had a ‘good birthday’; it is something to hold onto, as the difficulty is sustaining such happy events throughout an entire lifetime in the knowledge of having done the most wicked things without any repentance being offered up, or compensation. One day of happiness is one thing; trying to achieve it throughout a lifetime when you have violent control issues and a psychopathic, misogynistic approach to women is quite another.

    Which brings me to ‘pagans were a forgiving group’ – where did you get that per se? Pagans are not a group of people who can be said to have any single trait uniting them other than a belief in multiple deities. The outworkings of that, the traditions people follow, are all quite different and yes, forgiveness is a good thing but ultimately not an automatic right to be granted to someone when they’ve offended an entire community. Besides, forgiveness comes when a person shows repentance and, in this case, offers up compensation for the thousands of pounds of damage caused by exercising a vicious temper with a stanley knife.

    You say it’s ‘strange how things change’. They don’t change. Try talking to another man for any length of time; you’ll see the envy and jealousy and desire to control will come through if not now – he’s most likely working hard on all cylinders to impress you for a time – then later, when you’ve sacrificed friends and even family to be with him.

    Then try talking to his children to see how much his violence disappointed and hurt them. Try talking to Khlari’s daughter to see how much impact a man can have on a child in destructive emotional terms, let alone try talking face-to-face with Khlari to see how she feels about her possessions being destroyed for the ‘crime’ of leaving that man. Of course, you are unlikely to do that because you don’t want the truth as the truth is decidedly incompatible with your will to have feelings for this man.

    But the truth, whether here or from Khlari’s lips or others, will eventually be found out by you in your own life when the crest of a pretend wave you’re riding on right now comes crashing down to hard, cold, unforgiving reality once the jealous outbursts and arrogant behaviour come to the fore once more if they aren’t doing already and you’re just ignoring them. Who will support you at that time? Where will you go? Khlari did not expect what he did to her, did not warrant it. Who does? Nobody. Even if someone was two-timing someone – and she was not – can you ever say it is justifiable to deface a person’s websites with abuse and lies? Is it justifiable to take a knife to everything that person ever owned – clothes, shoes, while trashing a computer and make-up and pictures?

    You’ve gone into this with eyes open. Khlari had many good friends to help and support and love her when he kicked off with his ultimate displays of wicked cruelty. Will you be able to say the same as and when it happens again? Because such behaviours are not specific to a situation, they are specific to a disturbed mental state and it isn’t a case of ‘if’ but ‘when’. Bear that in mind.

    He says she was having an affair and some such nonsense but A came after the fact of her leaving him, not before or during. Truth is, he knows this but uses the deliberate falsehood as justification for his destructive rage. The only reason he went into that was because she was leaving him. End of story.

    So yeah. Things have changed for Khlari and for him, for she has lost all her possessions but gained real love and support from her friends, while he has lost access to and support from an entire community because, well, while pagans may or may not be able to forgive – and as I said, there’s been no opportunity for that because he hasn’t taken steps to get that forgiveness by working to recompense for the damage he did – one thing is sure. Pagans as a whole tend not to approve of violent displays of misogyny. That’s ‘woman-hating’, by the way. And this is the second time he’s hurt a woman like this, or the second time to everyone’s knowledge.

    What HASN’T changed are the underlying neuroses which govern his behaviour in certain situations – such as when a woman has the audacity to say ‘no more’ to his manic depressive behaviours, his violence, his controlling ways – and the only way to change those ways is to get serious professional help.

    I have been the best friend of Khlari for over 15 years and she is many things good and bad – sometimes foolish with the best of intentions, always decent, intelligent and caring – and I am not surprised if people are thinking you’ve ‘lost the plot’ because any woman who goes into the fire willingly after what Khlari has been the victim of must be crazy in one way or another. It’s akin to a Jewish person in WWII asking for a personal audience with Goebbels; or a gay man trying to touch up Mel Gibson at a party.

    There is too much violence against women in the world without a woman condoning it by her actions. We can all understand the selfish desire to be loved but it should never be something you pursue at any cost – because the cost to you, I promise, at his hands, will be very high one day. It won’t be right now, of course. He has to try his best to behave. But wait six months, a year or more. And then what will you do? How many women, let alone men, will sympathise with a woman who walks willingly into a relationship with a man capable of almost anything?

    If nothing else, you’re a fool. It’s nice you’re ‘trying really hard not to fall out with anyone’ but I’d say that’s not the point – many people aren’t going to want to be around you, so whether you express anger and hurt feelings towards them is of little consequence while you intend to support and presumably love a man like that. If people have to choose sides, they tend NOT to choose the one with the violent misogynst on it. You went into this fully aware it was controversial, fully aware it was ill-advised, fully conscious of what he did. Do you expect people to accept that when Khlari is not only a friend but simply a woman who has had terrible wrongs committed against her with a vindictiveness which goes beyond anything most of us ever witness?

    My advice – and the advice of anyone who knows what happened – is to get out while you still can, hide your things so he cannot destroy them, and don’t look back. If you want to help the helpless and the deserving, work for a charity… or give money to the homeless…. or, even better, go to a shelter for abused women, just for a day, and see if you can walk out from that experience with your head held high as a woman, having seen first-hand what men like him can do to women like Khlari – and like you.

  7. I think here I need for the benfit of everyone to go into some ‘backstory’ here. I was, for a start ,the one who tried to finish the relationship in a civilised manner, for the sake of the two people involved, as well as the children involved, both mine and his, and all of our friends, so they would not be obliged to ‘take sides’, and so we could carry on as a supportive pagan community.

    But HWCBN decided otherwise, despite my best efforts to do so. In the time I spent alone at the house at the end of the relationship, none of his possessions were touched, I would not have dreamed of doing so. Then to be treated like a criminal with the intent of doing damage when I came back to the house to collect a few possessions for Morgane and I to be able to cope totally mystified me. Little did I know.

    Naillig might not be aware of several ‘backstories’ here, which HWCBN was aware of. This is the third time I have lost all my possessions due to circumstances beyond my control, and starting over at the age of 39 becomes less and less appealing.

    When I met my ex-husband and moved to France, my then ex-flatmates sold all my possessions and left me in in massive debt back in the UK……..I had no clothes, no anything, the result of ten years work and striving come to nothing…..remember, despite the way I might sound, I do actually come from nothing, I am from a working-class family in Hackney, I was not born with a silkver spoon in my mouth, and anything I have had has come from my work, not through anyone else, and had to be replaced the same way……..unfortunately I do not have a fairy goth-mother on hand….

    Then, seven years of marriage to an abusive alcoholic…..for those of you who don’t know the details, let me enlighten you….what I earned was drunk away…and not by me. A potted history would include such delights as knocking me out whilst pregnant…always making sure I was hurt where no-one would see it. This culminated in a night where I was knocked out, left for dead and raped whilst still unconscious….my souvenirs? Permanent back pain and three fused vertebrae which are likely to cripple me eventually…..

    I walked out of this one morning with a small child and four suitcases…I literally had what I stood up in. Then started over again. When I started going out in London, I was wearing a nightie from Primark and two pairs of torn-up fishnets………because I had no clothes….it was the help and support of my London friends that changed this…a pair of New Rocks that ‘someone was bored of’, a top here, a skirt there….putting myself back together painfully, both emotionally and materially……three and a half years of scrimping, going without in many ways……

    HWCBN was aware of all this, and still went ahead and did all this anyway. Knowing. I am a very forgiving person. But there are limits. Knowing what would hurt me the worst and cause the most inconvenience…..I have forgiven people some terrible things, but that was because they were truly sorry and contrite about what they had done, and wished to make amends. A text message does not make amends. I am truly sorry. Four little words. So easy. However, it will probably take me another five years of struggle to replace the things destroyed.

    I would let things pass. I am not a vindictive person. But I have to live with the daily consequences of his actions. When I put something on, only to find that it too has a slash in the back of it…. An apology, and some financial reparations would be in order. Then maybe, I too can ‘move on’. Until this happens, that will be a little difficult to achieve.

    For the record, when I started seeing HWCBN, I found vindictive little notes saying that he was an evil control freak around his flat, from an ex…which I chose not to believe…There is also the point that I was never allowed to meet the exes….apparently, one of them has had her possessions torn up too……it’s just a pity I saw the warning signs too late. If it hadn’t been for my friends here, I would have ended up isolated, trapped. I chose to leave, and this is the price I had to pay.

    As for forgiveness, as I said before, not without an apology and reparations. I have quite simply had enough of being walked over in life, and don’t see why the perpetrators should be allowed to get away with it any more. I can’t speak for my friends on the other hand. That’s up to them.

    This is, after all, my blog. I am explaining what I feel, I can’t speak for others. But I can state my own experience.

  8. Thanks for the advice, and all I can say in reply is that I am not a fool, am perfectly aware of what I might be getting meself into and am not walking in with me eyes shut, I have sought advice from runes, cards, people who know me and am taking all the advice on board, yeah it might blow up in me face and if and when it does I will survive, have done it before will do it again, and the people who will be there for me are my true friends who have always been there for me no matter what, these are people who have seen me at me best and at me worst, they have never judged me, but they have given me a kick up the arse when it’s been needed, and I am PROUD to say that I can count these people on one hand!
    Oh and by the way please don’t patronise me, might be a bit blond but I did actually know what the word misogynst meant! ta.

  9. Hi claire, sorry if any of what I have said or done has hurt or offended you, but right or wrong I care about him, just couldn’t understand why you even mentioned his birthday, he is not a part of your life anymore, you have moved on and are now happy with someone else, isn’t it time to move on? not saying forgive him know that isn’t possible but let both of you get on with your own lifes, stay happy, love and light gill. x

  10. Hi Gill

    Well, I might have mentioned his birthday because he effectively ruined mine, and planned to, if some of the vaguely psychotic cryptic notes left in the debris were anything to go on…..

    It’s quite easy for him to move on, he has lost nothing. I would, to be honest, like some of my missing, ytes missing, stolen, possessions returned to me as well as reparations for the ruined ones. I only want what is rightfully mine, which isn’t much to ask in life.I also have a seven year old child who was caught up in this, some of her things were also slashed, and her whole world turned upside down by actions of ill-will which did not come from me…….

    Yes, I am happy with Mr A, but I can’t close the book on the chapter with HWCBN until all this is resolved, whilst the effects of his actions are still ruining my everyday life. I nearly lost my job and may well have to give up the MA bcause of his actions. How much more do I have to pay?

    I am not patronising you, but warning you. I have no axe to grind with you, you have done nothing within this. If this is what makes you happy, so it be. Be happy, but be very, very, careful.

  11. Glad to hear that you don’t hate me, know it’s easier said than done, but I really didn’t want to fall out with you, yes I am happy, very happy, he is one of the few people I have met in my life who don’t treat me like I’m thick! and for me that counts for something!
    Also apart from my family and a few others (Silent, Willow and Norm) he is the one person who is helping me come to terms with the recent loss of me nan, he lets me got on with it, and also takes my mind off it.
    Not sure yet if will still be coming to the moots, would like to but don’t think I’d be very welcome, whatever happens, take care of you and be happy. xx

  12. I think, Khlari, you once again show remarkable and inspiring restraint. As you know, the pagan and goth community of friends who have rallied round you are not guaranteed to be so restrained and, of course, why should they be?

    I don’t think the reference to ‘don’t patronise me’ was aimed at you, but me. I don’t think it’s particularly patronising to provide meaning for a word not in general usage and frankly the spelling and CONSTANT USE OF CAPITAL letters led me to believe I wasn’t dealing with someone as up on spelling and grammar as you and I. There was no judgement involved in that; simply helpfulness, misplaced it seems.

    Nailling talks of not being judged but frankly I find it hard not to judge a woman who steps into such a situation and provides support and even love to a man capable of such extremes of violence. Any woman doing so acts against all the women around the world who suffer at the hands of such men. I consider it being traitor to your own gender and something that will inevitably bring karmic backlash into your life. No, I don’t know you. What I know is quite enough to draw conclusions which are damning.

    I ask again: Violent. Mysogynist. Justify. Can you? Really? Can you tell me why a woman would want to be with a man like that when there are lots of men out there who don’t try to control their girlfriends and wives like factory farm animals? Can you tell me how a woman can feel safe in a relationship with a man capable of extremes of violence and jealous rage? Perhaps you think you’re special, unique in some way. You are not. You are still a woman and therefore, so long as with him, considered to be a possession to be bent to his all-consuming will. By the time you wake up to it, it will be too late. The question anyone will ask you is, did you know before you went into it? Your answer would be yes. How can anyone sympathise with you when your time of woe comes after that admission? You’ll get what you went in for: chaos, pain and destruction. And it will come, in time. Khlari’s answer would have been no, she didn’t know what he was capable of. She had only suspicions; you know enough. You know there’s proof of his criminal behaviour.

    As Khlari says, be happy but I would add it is at the expense of furthering conflict and emotional divide. If you really want to do something that is right, if for one moment you have any influence on him, then why not tell him he has to pay up for the possessions he destroyed – not only clothes, bad enough, but the computer. His devastation was total and can never, ever, by anyone, be justified and nor can a 10p text message saying sorry provide anything meaningful or appropriate.

    If he sent her at least a thousand pounds as downpayment for recompensing her, and allowing her to start replacing all the things he destroyed – those things that can be replaced, some can never be – then yes, that would be a start for Khlari and it would open the way for others to give some measure of forgiveness. Until such time, words are cheap and easy at a distance. He knows what he needs to do if he ever wants acceptance again from the Brigantii Moot crowd. He needs to reach into his pocket and show he really wants to make amends. And has he unlocked Khlari’s other online accounts yet, after filling them up with vile, poisonous spew? How simple would that be?

    The world is filled with battered, bruised, emotionally scarred women who thought they could rescue or change their man despite his history. They all, without exception, come to regret their misplaced desire to help. I say again, find those in the world who deserve help, and help them. You’re on a loser. End of story. x

  13. No, I have no valid email address currently, they are all locked out, Yahoo, Hotmail, and even my French Caramail………someone has even changed the security questions…..

    My profiles on many things are also locked. This hasn’t been changed. With no PC, is hard to put them all back. Identity theft basically, on top of everything else.

  14. I’ve stayed out of this today mainly because I thought Andy summed it up far better than I could ever do but I do have to say something

    Gill – You have made your choice – you are an adult that is your decision but what you are asking other people to i.e Forgive and forget is just not possible – YOU didnt see the devastation caused by HWCBN – I did – It is an awful thing to see someone you care about hurt by someone else you thought you knew and despite what he may think – liked

    If HWCBN had behaved in an appropriate manner he would have had the sympathy of all his friends around him – We would not have been forced into the situation where we had to choose sides – He caused that by his own actions and has not made any effort to make anyone as yet change our minds – He is a destructive petty minded person who has lied to the police and tried to make Khlari’s life as miserable as possible

    As for mentioning his birthday – well how do you think Khlari felt when the police turned up on my doorstep accusing her of harassing him on HER birthday ? Good, bad or upset ? I think you know…..

    In all of this you haven’t commented on his behaviour towards Khlari – do you think he behaved appropriately, does he think he was justified in his behaviour? Was it right to destroy all of someones possessions, burn books, take items of significant sentimental value as well as block all her email accounts and write vicious nasty things on social profiles – Is it right for him to demand she removes all reference to him from her website and state that once its done the profiles will be removed ? WHAT BLOODY RIGHT does he have to f’ing well behave like that ? – and I’m deliberating shouting

    He may make you feel good at the moment – maybe its worth considering that once upon a time he made Khlari feel like that as well – He didn’t always behave like a complete wanker, he can be a very charming man when he wants to be BUT a leopard doesn’t change its spots – one day you will get on the wrong side of him and then what will happen – You say its happened before and you’ve lived through it – Why delibrately put yourself in the same situation again unless you get a kick out of being with a dangerous personality.

  15. Spot on, Jo. That last line of yours wasn’t exactly a question but nevertheless forms a question in my mind. I can only think she does get a kick out of being with someone so unpopular and so dangerous. It’d be more advisable if an adrenalin kick is the thing being sought to go climbing sheer rock faces or swimming with sharks. At least sharks try to eat you with no malice involved. It’s simply what they do and they don’t try to hide it or send 10p text messages saying ‘sorry I ate you’. x

  16. I have removed all direct reference to someone on my blog, all names have been removed, and I still can’t access my emails or profiles…….

    Gill, I too have been through a fair amount in my life, but I don’t put myself willingly in these situations. There is enough suffering around without going to look for it. Believe me, you can have enough physical and emotional pain thrown at you whilst just trying to get on quietly with your life….

    My problem is that HWCBN is on his high horse demanding things, to which I have acquiesced, yet he has not lived up to his side of this by doing what he has been asked to do. He is behaving as if he is the one in the right, as if he is the one with the power of good behind him, whereas he is the one who took it upon himself to mete out a harsh judgment and justice. I was in effect tried in his own personal court, found guilty in my absence, and punished according to what he believed.

    All I ever asked was to be left alone, and to do things in a civilised and adult manner, and I am the one who has been prevented from doing so.

  17. OK, I’m late, I’m always late but sometimes I’m not very silent.

    In the beginning there was a group of friends who behaved like friends should do and where axes were secreted away from eyes that may pry. There were many friends including HWCBN and more were being added all the time from quarters known and unknown. I was one, Naillig was another, still no axes. Perhaps I had been a little naive to what was about to unfold, the story of which as been aptly described above, particually from Khlari, who is still a friend. HWCBN was considered a friend until quite recently, but my axe with this man is still private until a time when action will be needed.

    We have heard, quite extensively about the hardships suffered by Khlari which I understand quite well. But let us remember there is two sides to every story and while it has been written that HWCBN lost very little and Khlari lost plenty, I beg to differ. Oh I can imagine the onslaught I’ll get for this, but I will have my say as the silent party. HWCBN lost an entire community, most of his ‘friends’ (if I had friends like that I’d prefer to die thankyou) and almost his entire social life. If it hadn’t been for Naillig I fear he would have hit the wall so f***ing hard, he may have never got up again. Now I’m not agreeing with what he did was a good thing, far from it but in the end these ‘things’ can be replaced, although the emotional damage wreaked on both Khlari and associated children cannot be easily rectified.

    As for Naillig, she may indeed have walked into a relationship, be it wrong or right, I have little say, with eyes wide open. Having known what and who HWCBN was and the possible implications of such a move, still had the guts to do it. Flying right in the face of the aforementioned group of friends with intentions that were, and I’m sure are, good.

    In this newly-formed ‘friendship’ there were two people who lost out. Firstly Khlari, secondly me. Why me, I’ll tell you why. I was the other half to Naillig and if there’s an axe to grind than it is me as well as Khlari who has the right to grind it! Everything was fine until HWCBN arrived on the scene, then things began to fall apart, as I thought they probably eventually would.
    At the time, and for reasons I’m still at a loss to explain, even to myself, I liked the guy. That was then.
    Much has changed although I am still friends with the aforementioned group, I wonder how long for?

    We all, when it comes down to it, walk alone. Good friends are hard to find in this world, but some of Khlari’s I will aways wonder about. If she did something bad, I doubt it will ever happen but if it did, would the same ‘friends’ stick by her as once they did with HWCBN? Or is that (and here is the get-out clause) a different matter entirely.
    Think about it, think about who you are as you read the ending to this woeful episode. Think you are justified? Thing you are righteous in what you condem one for in favour of another? What gives you the right? Friendship? Love? Do you really know what these things are?

    Now it’s not my wish to verbally attack anyone here, regardless or what or who they are, even though you think I am. I’m not coming to the defence of HWCBN – he’s got his own path to follow. But I will defend my friends regardless of what they may be doing, with whoever – they have their own path too. If it turns out to be a cock-up then I can only stand by their side and offer comfort – we all have to find our own way, somehow.

  18. […] How can a woman ever justify going out with a man who is a violent misogynist? Naillig tries to do so in comments left on Musings of Khlari. When sad men go bad is my own blog entry which gives you the background to this sad cautionary tale. […]

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