Very Fluffy Bunny………..

People are going to get really worried about me lately, reading my posts. They are all cutesy and happy, no sign of my usual bitter, twisted, morose, gloomy gothic self within them…….

Just to reassure you all, I’m still myself, I have not been upgraded by wandering cybermen, nor popped in for a quick lobotomy. It’s just that I’m struggling with an altogether novel concept here, difficult for a sad old goth to countenance, or even spell….it’s called happiness. For all you morose old goth-bats out there who glory in it, don’t worry. It’s not a dangerous communicable disease.

There. It’s out in the open, I am happy. How strange. I do have a vague recollection of feeling like this at some distantly-remembered point in the early nineties, back long long ago before life seemed to dump on me from a great height……

It’s novel, I am having difficulty finding the vocabulary for this without it becoming all sloppy and schmaltzy and sounding like something from the inside of a truly nauseous geetings card. Hell, on the tortured-artist-drowning-in-misery side I have more than enough, but on this unexplored dare-I-say-it ‘happy’ side, I am stumped.

I also have the kind of weird deja-vu side of it all. It’s been so long since I felt this, I am regressing to my former self. I’ll try to explain…..the last time I felt like this I was only about 22, so I am currently being a happy 22 year old again…’s like my brain has no experience of what it’s like to be a happy 39 year old supposed adult, so it’s instinctively decided that I have to go back to it’s last experience of happiness. The result is that I am behaving like some kind of superannuated giggly teenager. I’m not sure that it’s very dignified or mature walking around with a permanent adolescent smirk on my face, but I’m enjoying it anyway.

There are many reasons for this sudden and uncharacteristic burst of positivity. True, I do and always have had a natural smirky-perky-goth side under there waiting to break out, along with a natural inability to be a po-faced-take-myself-so-seriously goth, and a disturbing tendancy to grin and giggle at inopportune moments.

Then, there is Mr A. he just seems to awaken the silly, giggling schoolgirl heap within me, when I am with him I feel about 15. Perhaps because he appears to like all sides of me, he doesn’t cherry-pick the virtues he likes and moan about the rest. Maybe because we have fun…yes, that dusty concept, uncomplicated, silly fun. We laugh, we talk, we listen, we laugh again. We don’t seem to feel obliged to be serious all the time with each other, even though the way we feel for each other is serious, our life together is still fun.

Then there are my friends. I am surrounded by a group of people who make me smile, laugh, and giggle inanely, my friends. Either singly or in combination, they bring smiles to my face.

But I think that the main factor in in this bizarre fluffy-bunny happiness is called choice. (Thanks Mr A…..). I am choosing what I wish to do for a change. I am not living my life to make someone else happy and sacrificing my own happiness for them or for the greater good. I am not doing the ‘right thing’, making the supposedly sensible decision to make everyone else happy and content with my life, without me actually being happy myself. I am not doing the ‘Stepford Wives’ thing, fitting into anyone else’s expectations of the way I ought to be, and destroying my own personality in the process.

I am, at last, for the first time in years ignoring everybody else and their views of good, bad and what I ‘should’ do. I have made my own choice, I am doing what I want to do, and …………………..I am happy. I’m that happy that people have even started noticing how much better I am looking, how much better I am in myself, how my personality is back…..How whatever is going to be thrown at me in relation to my choices doesn’t really matter. It was worth it.

But if you see me wearing pastels, or anything with fluffy bunnies on, shoot me. It will be a mercy killing. There are limits you know………


2 Responses to “Very Fluffy Bunny………..”

  1. Darling, you are a fluffy bunny. Take a look at that photo of you from your birthday gathering if you don’t believe me! x

  2. Baah humbug. An evil vampire bunny, maybe!

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