New month, new life, new love, new beginnings…..

First post of the new month, and the first I hope of many looking forward to the future, not harping on the past. In the last month, partly due to the decision I made to split with my ex, and partly due to events that spiralled out of control, my life has completely changed, and I’m glad to say, for the better.

A month ago I felt trapped in a relationship with no personal liberty, no freedom to do what I wanted to or talk to who I wanted to. I was looking at buying a house with my then boyfriend, something I was unsure about to say the least.

The cracks had been there for a while. I had put a lot of my doubts down to an attack on him whilst we lived in London, but a year and a bit later and 280 miles away from the scene of the attack (and my friends and family), his paranoias were not receding, but developing a new life of their own fuelled by pure delusional psychosis…..

Everyone, every friend, was a threat, every place ‘dangerous’, every person a potential loser or drug-crazed maniac…..it was wearing. But home was no better. My cooking was not up to scratch, and even the way I loaded the dishwasher or filled the washing-machine was substandard…….. clothes apparently needed to be boiled and ruined, though never his….

Doing the MA, bizarrely enough, I am required to write…but even though he had been enthusiatic about me doing it, and in public showed off about my writing, actually allowing me to do it in private was another matter. Either people were invited over, or I had a constant stream of interruptions, whining, and sulking……a haiku would merit a week of sulks…..

In fact most things I did, or indeed that anyone else did, would merit a week of sulking and tragic hang-dog looks. I spent my entire life trying not to rock the boat or upset him. It was like permanently walking on eggshells…..

I tried to talk to him about this paranoia, this depression, this black raincloud that seemed to hang permanently over his head. I wanted him to address his crushing dependence, look at his self-obsessive behaviour where he always had to be the centre of attention, talk about his constant jealousy, discuss his hyper-critical attitude where whatever I did was not quite right, ever.

There were already doubts in there, but the debacle of Wendi’s ruined hen night (where he could not even manage to leave me alone in our own house with two women and four children for an evening) was the catalyst, quickened by his flat refusal to apologise yet again….. (I am a forgiving kind of person, if someone has truly made a mistake, all they have to do is say sorry and mean it………..)

Then the hangdog Sunday full of sulks, followed by the week full of sulks……he even the attempted to ruin the replanned hen night with boy BBQ, despite our friends going out of their way to include him, by staying at home and moping……

Then another Sulky Sunday, where he played the drama queen, not answering the phone, nor texts til I got to the point where I rang his father to reassure myself he had not hung himself in the stairwell, only to be told off and sulked at for doing so….. I couldn’t take any more. With the proviso we kept things civil until at least after the wedding (now only two days away), I wanted to go………

And what hell that decision caused for me and every one of my long-suffering friends………

But here I am, in July, and everything around me has changed. M_____ and I are living in Morecambe (which is where I had always wanted to live anyway, although I was told it was ‘dangerous’).

Without all that happened I would never have got to know Mr A, who combines perfectly being sweet, gorgeous, naughty, intelligent, sexy, and funny all together, and I don’t think I have been so happy for years. He is the boyfriend I never had but always wanted, and I don’t know how, having lived in the same places at the same times, how we managed to avoid each other all of these years…….. that said, it’s fantastic now it’s happening……i don’t think it would have happened, nor happened so fast without all the negative vibes that my ex was attempting to send flying around….We are like a pair of silly teenagers aged 38 and 39, and it’s amazing!

We are leading a chaotic, higgledy-piggledy,unplanned, wonderfully free and happy life where he positively glories in me AS I AM. He likes my personality, the way I look, the friends I have and loves me for them, not despite them. He isn’t trying to change me, nor I him. He also cares for M_______, not because he feels he should, and in a dictatorial way, but because he wants to, and for the right reasons, and M_______ likes him.

It’s even more of a surprise considering that my pursuit of happiness only involved getting away from the source of unhappiness, I was perfectly prepared to become the scary maiden-aunt in the attic with 96 cats in order to achieve this, so the whole romance-with-Mr A has come as a complete surprise, what was damage limitation (leaving ex) has gone from negative hermitry (what seemd like the only solution) to a full-blown love affair (a completely unexpected bonus), and no-one is more shocked than I am, considering the negative way I had been made to feel about myself…..

M_______ has been wonderful, she is a little girl who has been through so much in her short life, and has just been through some more with impunity, she is reacting positively to the change in her life and surroudings, and I think I am blessed to have such a lovely, intuitive, and intelligent daughter.

I have had support and love, and I have realised how I have wonderful, gothic, chaotic, caring and lifelong friends around me in all of this, and how lucky I am to have all of this.

So when I woke up this sunny morning and looked out of the window across the bay, I thought what a lucky woman I was……. and how life is just beginning……….

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8 Responses to “New month, new life, new love, new beginnings…..”

  1. And so you are receiving the karma you so deserve – as I said on my own blog about the events of last month this is something I firmly believe in – You give out love you receive it back

    As for M_______ – Children are soo incredibly adaptable they often suprise the adults around them – all our kids (yours, mine and Wendi’s) seem to be able adapt to anything – I think this because they know deep down that no matter what happens they are loved by the people that really count – Hopefully this will stay with them into adulthood.

    As for the relationship with Mr A – We are so happy for both of you – apart from the constant slurping noises during the tongue hockey 😀 – In 10 years time no one will care how it started just that you are still together preparing for your twilight years ;->

  2. What a wonderful blog entry! It made me smile.

    I wanted to let you know, someone has been searching for you on my blog. What they didn’t know was that all searches are recorded thanks to a clever plugin I have on my site, so I can tell you both your full name and your surname have been searched.

    Why am I not wondering who’s been there looking for traces of you? 🙂

  3. I hope so, I certainly feel surrounded by love at the moment, from all my friends…….maybe I’m getting some good karma back finally!

    I in turn am happy with Mr A….public apologies for the slurping, but we are just having a bad teenage moment….just deliriously happy, whatever life seems to throw at us…

    I think that all our children (yours, mine, Wendi’s) have also easily cottoned on to the idea of the extended urban family, they know that they get this love not just from their parents and family, but from their friends and ‘urban family’ as well. It’s a good concept to have got your head around at such a young age, and I think it shows in how well they are balanced, long may it continue!

  4. Hmmm…can you see who it was Andy???? Might be someone entirely different…I’m a woman in demand, you know!!!!

    C x

  5. Ah, we only josh about the slurping! It stems from happiness at seeing you happy. Being happy can be a gift to others in itself.

    i agree about the extended family. It’s wonderful.

    No, I can’t see who it was but I really do not think it was anyone else. The search was done on _______ first, twice with no hits returned, then Khlari ________ with about seven as I recall. Who else is going to go to my site and search at least eight times in short succession for traces of you? Of course we’ll never know but my spidey senses are tingling… x

  6. Hmmm…we do have a list of psycho options to choose from……mad ex-husband, deluded American ex, barking teenage ex, and he who shall not be named………. many lunatic options!

    I’m just happy, that’s all! Loving every minute of it!

  7. True. There are those! x

  8. It’s the fact that I have psycho-magnet tattooed on my forehead in ink visible to psychos only……….a little-known fact.

    I think it must be in several languages as well…….

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